By: Dr. Lisa M.Coffey
July 11, 2022
Have you ever been so upset that you were about to lose yourself in anger, retaliation, or filled with sadistic thoughts? Of course, we all have been to that bottomless pit of vengeful thoughts and hurt. I am not ashamed to admit that I have been there and sometimes struggle to dig myself out of the pool of ill feelings, I'm human. Do you harbor resentment or ill feelings toward someone or a situation? Are you holding onto negative emotions because the concern is unresolved, there was no closure or the result you were hoping to receive, never came. In my Frozen voice, I am here to tell you to "let it go, let it go, let it go"! Do not wait on an apology. It probably will not occur. It is common to seek clarity, accountability, acknowledgment, and an apology. Likely all of these will not happen.
The best coping mechanism during uncertain times is to focus on the positive aspects of your life/situation. Dwell in the positive energy space that allows you to regain focus and clarity in the present moment rather than focus on the negative impact/feelings of the conflict. Resentment and anger pollute the thought processes with toxins (ill will, bitterness, unsavory actions, etc.) that can affect our emotional well-being. Good conflict management skills are necessary to create balance within the paradigm to neutralize the ill effects caused by the surrounding chaos. Conflict competence is your ability to use a set of skills to resolve a conflict that promotes a productive outcome without creating additional harm to yourself or others (Dr. McKayla, 2020).
When I am in the midst of a crisis, I use the following tactics to help mitigate the circumstantial pain:
Evaluate/Investigate the root cause of the problem while removing any biases. Widen my viewfinder to analyze others' points of view.
Walk Away when my emotions are on overload and cloud my judgment.
Cool Down by taking the necessary time away to clear my thought process.
Re-Think my strategies to resolve without creating unnecessary drama or unrealistic expectations from an offender.
Re-Engage with positive energy and a renewed alignment to the present by not dwelling in the past.
During the chaos, I find my voice, solidify my viewpoint and rationalize that disharmony is what makes us individuals. Although we are not cookie-cutter molds of one another, sometimes our values, views, ethics, and integrity miss align. Once we cannot reach a consensus after re-thinking and re-engaging, make your stance known and move on. Let it Go! And to be completely transparent, this process is complex because sometimes you want to scream, act like a fool, and tell somebody off! Nevertheless, the leader within told me to get a grip, walk away, cool off, re-think and re-engage. iDid and uCan 2!
Going through this process has reminded me that I, too, need to listen to my advice because had I not pushed pause, I would have been out of character, and we can not let people or situations take us to an unhappy place.
You are not alone if you struggle with resentment, frustration, or anger; however, you can overcome the negative impact using conflict competence skills. Practice, practice, practice!
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